Láska je zvláštna / Love is strange

Spomedzi mnohých nahrávok, ktoré som za život spáchal sa niektoré občas objavia aj vo filmoch. Minulý rok som mal šťastie na dva blockbusters,  vrátane jedného z najúspešnejších filmov roka, Love is strange. Film o manželskom páre dvoch starnúcich homosexuálov (hrajú John Lithgow a Alfred Molina) a ich problémoch so zamestnávateľmi a s ubytovaním. Odohráva sa v New Yorku, kde žije aj jeho režisér Ira Sachs. Pozval ma na premiéru, zoznámili sme sa a tu je exkluzívny rozhovor s ním pre čitateľov Sme.

Kedy si si uvedomil, že si gay a ako prebiehal tvoj coming-out? Ako reagovala tvoja rodina a okolie?

Ako väčšina mužov, pocítil som prvé sexuálne pocity okolo puberty a môj coming-out, aj pre rodinu aj pre priateľov, bol pred koncom strednej školy. Bolo to v roku 1983, v stredne veľkom americkom meste, takže som sa dosť bál. Zistil som však, že čím úprimnejší som bol k iným ľuďom, tým lepšie boli moje vzťahy a môj život celkovo.

Ako dlho si ženatý? Ako si stretol svojho manžela?

S mojim manželom Borisom Torresom som sa stretol tri razy, než sme začali vážne chodiť, dva krát v spoločnosti a tretí raz na internete. Ten tretí raz bol rozhodujúci a o štyri roky neskôr, v januári 2012, sme sa zobrali. V tom čase som si celkom neuvedomoval, aké dôležité je, aby bol náš vzťah uznaný aj spoločnosťou aj štátom ako rovnocenný. Tiež som si neuvedomoval aké zničujúce bolo pre mňa žiť štyri desaťročia vediac, že moje vzťahy neboli pre okolie také hodnotné ako vzťahy ostatných ľudí. Proste som nepoznal ako chutí rovnoprávnosť, až kým som to nezažil.

Ako si sa rozhodol mať deti?

 Vždy som chcel byť otcom. S mojim manželom Borisom máme trojročné dvojčatá, ktoré vychovávame spolu s našou priateľkou a ich matkou, Kirsten, ktorá žije vo vedľajšom byte a deti sú striedavo v oboch domovoch. Z môjho pohľadu potrebujú deti najviac lásku a stabilitu a tej majú od nás troch viac než dosť.

Ako to prebiehalo? Narazil si na nejaké vážne prekážky a problémy?

 Ako gay musí človek vždy vyvinúť isté vedomé úsilie, aby sa stal rodičom, keďže sa to nemôže stať len náhodou. Ja som sa stal rodičom po štyridsiatke, čo tiež znamená, že to bolo zložitejšie, než keby som mal dvadsať a požiadal nejakú priateľku, aby sa stala spoločným rodičom. Moja rada homosexuálnym dvojiciam je - urobte to čím skôr, lebo neskôr je to zbytočne komplikované.

Ako vyzerá váš rodinný život teraz?

Moje deti sú v tomto veku šťastní mladí človiečikovia. Majú stabilné životy, stály prísun lásky, sú obklopení rodinou a komunitou, ktorá ich zbožňuje. Nezáleží na tom, že majú dvoch otcov a jednu mamu, záleží na tom, že majú lásku a majú jej veľa.

Bolesť a utrpenie, ktoré spôsobujú vlády a spoločnosti, snažiace sa uzákoniť, ako má vyzerať láska medzi ľuďmi v rodine, je zničujúca - a problém je hlavne v nevedomosti, v nedostatku poznania. Ak by niekto navštívil náš domov a stretol nás a naše deti, nemohol by nevidieť krásu, lásku a láskavosť, ktoré všetci zdieľame. Ako rodina.

Ira Sachs, jeho manžel Boris Torres, ich deti Viva a Felix a matka detí, Kirsten Johnson
Ira Sachs and his husband Boris Torres, their children Viva and Felix, and their children's mother, Kirsten Johnson
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When did you realize you are gay, how did you feel about it and what was your coming-out process? How did your family/friends/ people around you react?

Like most males, I first started recognizing my sexual desires around the age of puberty, and I came out as a gay man to both friends and family by the time I was a senior in high school.  This was 1983, in a mid-size American city, so I did have a lot of fears. What I found was that the more honest I was with other people, the better my relationships, and the better my life. 

How long have you been married? How did you meet your husband?  

My husband Boris Torres and I met three times before we become a serious couple, twice at parties, and then the third time, on the internet.  The third time was the charm, and we got married four years later, in January 2012.  At the time, I did not recognize how significant it would be to have our relationship fully recognized as equal by both the State and Society.  It also wasn't clear to me before then how damning it was to live for decades with the sense that my relationships weren't as valid as other people's.  You don't know what equality feels like until you are fully invited to the table.  

How did you decide you wanted to have children?

I've always wanted to be a father, and from a young age thought that I would become one by involving a close female friend.  My husband Boris and I have 3-year-old twins that we are raising with our friend, and their mother, Kirsten.  She lives next door to us in an apartment building, and the kids alternate nights between the two homes.   From my perspective, what kids need most is love, and stability, and that the three of us are able to give them in spades.  

What was the process? Did you experience any serious obstacles/problems?

As a gay man, there would always have to be some conscious effort made to become a parent. It certainly wasn't going to just happen by accident.  I had kids in my mid-40s, which is on the late side, and that also meant that it was a more complicated process than if I had been in my 20s, and asked a woman friend to co-parent with me then.  My advice to young gay people is that if you think you want to have kids with people you know, do it when you're young, because it becomes both more difficult, and more costly, when you are over 40.  

What does your family life looks like now?

What I see in my kids at this age is that they are happy little people. They have stable lives, they have love on a constant basis, they are surrounded by both a family and a community that adores them.   It doesn't matter that they have two dads and one mom, what matters is that they have love, and lots of it.  

What would you say to people who say gay marriage is not natural and gay couples should not be allowed to have children?

The pain and suffering caused by governments and societies that try to legislate what love should look like between two people, and among a family, is devastating.  It is however, a problem of ignorance.  It would be very difficult for any individual who met my kids, who visited our home not to see the beauty and love and kindness that we share with each other, as a family.